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Windsor, Ontario
One of the places helped by Bill Gates, because it is one of the worst places in North America, seriously. Windsor, Ontario is the gateway to hell and is single handedly responsible for the "Global Warming Crisis." Windsorites like to say they're Canadian while the rest of Canada likes to pretend they're American. They in fact would rather consider themelves American. Is it Zee or Zed!? There is nothing interesting about Windsor. Windsor is awful and boring. Windsor has 400 bars and lots of legal hookers and strippers that do the FULL MONTY and would make a geat home base for any biker gang. Also to be noted are the many "rub-n-tugs" in the downtown area. Those who come to Windsor are looking to get drunk, contract syphilis, smoke a doobie, and go broke in the monstrously tacky giant white Caesars Windsor casino (no smoking in the facilities). Thanks to the automotive industry and whatever Detroiters do on ZUG ISLAND, Windsor has the highest cancer rate (in every kind of cancer-I am not joking) per capita in all of North America. It smells like the inside of a dead liberal hookers mouth and has more Middle Eastern people per capita than any city in Canada. It also borders Detroit. Coincidence? Windsor, Ontario is home to many liberals and Union workers, and has one of the highest unemployment rates in Ontario! It is slowly disappearing into a black hole, and also being invaded by beavers. (another Coincidence?) Windsor History Prior to European exploration and settlement, the Windsor area was inhabited by the First Nations and Native American people. Windsor was first settled in 1749 as a French agricultural settlement, making it the oldest continually inhabited settlement in Canada west of Montreal. The area was first named Petite Côte (Little Coast), and later became known as La Côte de Misère (Poverty Coast) because of the sandy soils near LaSalle. Windsor's French heritage is reflected in many French street names, such as Ouellette, Pelissier, Francois, Pierre, Langlois, Marentette and Lauzon. There is a significant French speaking minority in Windsor and the surrounding areas. Many of them are in the Lakeshore, Tecumseh and LaSalle areas. The current street system of Windsor (grid with elongated blocks) may reflect the French method of agricultural land division where the farms were long and narrow, fronting along the river; it is also consistent with the British system for granting land concessions. Duff-Baby House In 1794, after the American Revolution, the settlement of Sandwich was founded. It was later renamed to Windsor, after the town in Berkshire, England. The Sandwich neighbourhood on Windsor's west side is home to some of the oldest buildings in the city including Mackenzie Hall, originally built as the Essex County courthouse in 1855. Today, this building functions as a community centre. The oldest building in the city is the Duff-Baby House built in 1792. It is owned by Ontario Heritage Trust and houses government offices. The François Baby House was built in 1812 and houses Windsor's Community Museum, dedicated to local history. The City of Windsor was the site of the Battle of Windsor during the Upper Canada Rebellion in 1837, and was also a part of the Patriot War, later that year. Windsor was established as a village in 1854 (the same year the village was connected to the rest of Canada, by the Grand Trunk Railway/Canadian National Railway), then a town in 1858, and ultimately gained city status in 1892. Windsor Today Nothing is happening in Windsor today. Nothing happened yesterday, and nothing will happen tomorrow. If it were a weekend, that gives the countless unemployed people an excuse to not send out fake resumes to non existent companies so they can maintain their unemployment insurance. Production at Hiram Walker distillery triples on days like today. City council will bicker at one another and make a decision that will enact a mandate that they no longer have to make decisions. The author realizes that this is already the normal operating procedure for City Council, but they may as well put it on paper. The streets will be full of drunk 19 year old Americans/Windsorites who can't hold their booze down to save their lives. They will drink all day, all night, and fill the main strip with vomit and anything else that they can un-digest from their alcohol soaked stomachs. This process is repeated daily, all year, and it's this author's opinion that this is one of the reasons Windsor has it's famous smell, among other reasons (read "Windsor smells like a Dead Liberal Hooker's Mouth"). Popular Ethnic Neighborhoods In Windsor More than 20% of Winsdor's population if made up of people who were born overseas. Windsor's Little Italy district is very popular. It is called Erie Street and has many fancy restaurants and coffee houses. If you aren't Italian you must not venture into this territory or you will be ostracized and maybe even glared at because the mob will not tolerate your presence. Also there is a very large middle eastern population in Windsor. They extend to anywhere in the city that the transit system offers its services. They are all cab drivers. A sector of them even erected a billboard that had pictures of five Hezbollah leaders on it. They said that while they did not support Hezbollah, their relatives were fighting over in their home countries and they were supporting THEM. The Canadian government has condemned Hezbollah but in Canada foreigners can do whatever they please without fear of recrimination. Canadians love being walked all over by smelly foreign immigrants who hate Canadian customs, language, religion, and laws. Windsor Landmarks The giant eyesore Caesars Windsor is a travel destination for many portly, buffet loving, cigaret-smoking types, from Canada and the U.S. (Fortunately for casino workers smoking is no longer in Caesars.) They can be seen seated at the slot machines, their plastic tubs of casino tokens clutched in their sweaty meat fists, and their bulbous layers of pudge descending towards the floor over their stools like mutant muffin tops. Also the riverfront of Windsor is lovely thanks to Windsor Parks and Recreation. It overlooks the skyline of downtown Detroit as well as the hideous turquoise-painted Ambassador Bridge. At least when it was sort-of black it hid most of the rust making you feel comfortable crossing it. There are also the many mansions lining the riverside extending well beyond Windsor's borders, left over from the 'rum running' days of prohibition. They are a fine example of the entrepreneurial spirit that is still alive to this day. Also local landmarks that should be considered are local city roads, that haven't been repaired since the streetcars once shared the roadways. The bridges can't be ignored either, the ones that haven't been closed due to neglect anyway. Famous People From Windsor Famous NHL players from Windsor include: Aaron Ward, Bob Boughner, Sean Burke, Ken Daneyko, Andy Delmore, Tie Domi, John Ferguson SR., Dan Jancevski, Ed Jovanovski, Tim Kerr, Steve Moore, Bob Probert, Joel Quenneville, Jimmy Skinner, John Tucker, Kyle Wellwood, Ron Wilson Entertainment: * Garth Hudson, organist and keyboardist for Canadian rock n roll group The Band. * Jeff Burrows, drummer of The Tea Party (Tea Party sucks) * Stuart Chatwood, bass player of The Tea Party/composer Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (Tea Party sucks) * Colm Feore, actor * Jeff Martin, former guitarist and lead vocalist of The Tea Party (Tea Party sucks) * Terry Pickford, award-winning Hollywood producer/editor * Oliver Platt, television and film actor * AND THE FABULOUS Shania Twain, singer.Of course we all know that Shania GREW UP in Timmens, Ontario, but was actually BORN in Windsor, but hey we'll accept that also, at least until the unions say otherwise. The Arts: * Doug Brode, writer * Bob Butterfield, writer, radio personality * Frank Papak, nature photographer A Typical Day In Windsor A typical day in Windsor for the Union worker involves dragging your rear end out of bed (shift work is rough at $32 an hour plus benefits) because your muscles have atrophied from gross underuse. You then drive into work after going through the Tim Horton's drive thru for your extra large triple triple. On the way into work you meet fellow union workers dragging their feet lazily up the walk as if to the execution block. You punch in, find your spot on the line and push a button or pull seat covers on for eight hours, all the while whining about the cancer you've contracted from asbestos exposure and how you haven't received a raise in three years because the company cares more about cuts than its workers. If you aren't a union worker, you probably were one and have lost your job because of cut backs. You are now on unemployment because you can't find a job that pays anything more than minimum wage because you started working in a factory straight out of highschool and have no education so you cannot even work at a gas station where a college certificate is mandatory. You spend your day sleeping, drinking and smoking and when you bother to get up or answer your phone you complain about the union and about a fair wage and all the hard work you used to do and how "this town in going down like Flint, Michigan." Strange Laws in Windsor * You are not allowed to play a musical instrument in a park in Windsor. * Windsor seems to be the only place in Ontario where woman commonly take advantage of the right to go topless, God bless them. Footnotes